Why we need to end ‘mom guilt’ once and for all

Confession: I haven’t volunteered for a single field trip at my kids’ school this year and, if I’m being totally honest, it doesn’t feel great. 

As a CEO and mother of two school-age daughters, there’s a battle of will that plays out in my mind on any given day. If I put all my effort into my career, I worry I’m not being an adequate mom. If I’m chasing the bar society has set for moms, I’m left without the space I need to excel in my career. 

I’m not alone in this battle. Despite new research debunking the myth that kids who spend more time with their parents experience better outcomes, one survey found that 78% of mothers feel guilty for not spending enough time with their kids. 

And it’s not just working moms who feel “mom guilt”—a study in the United Kingdom found that more than half of mothers feel bad for partaking in self-care activities like soaking in the bath or going to work out. 

Whether you’re a CEO, an employee, or stay-at-home parent, it’s easy to get caught up in the narrative that finding our own balance negatively impacts our children and our careers. But, it’s time we reframe this conversation. Here’s how being a working mom has benefitted my children and my company. 

“Mom Brain” is a strength 

Before I became a mother, I found myself pursuing roles I wasn’t exactly passionate about in an effort to sharpen skills I hadn’t yet mastered. As a child of Chinese immigrants, it was ingrained in me that to achieve long-term success, you had to strengthen your weaknesses. While there’s some truth to this, becoming a mom forced me to focus on my strengths. 

Having less time meant I had to be more efficient. Not only that, but for me, motherhood opened up a door to deeper self-discovery and awareness. It emboldened me to explore uncomfortable truths that have made me a better leader. 

For all the self-deprecating talk about “mom brain,” which is associated with a forgetfulness or short-term memory lapse that can onset during pregnancy, recent science has shown that women’s brains are actually rewired to offer incredible strengths after having a child. Grey matter is reorganized in a small area of the brain associated with social cognition and the ability to recognize another person’s point of view—areas that can help us become more empathetic and self-aware leaders. 

Of course, becoming a mother has unfortunately set many women back in their careers, but it is time we start recognizing that the skills we sharpen in our role as mothers can also serve our teams, investors, and stakeholders.  

Increased personal investment

When you’re bootstrapping a business, as my cofounders and I have done, you’re innately invested in it. It’s the reason studies show founders who have “skin in the game” are more likely to be profitable, have higher valuations, and survive and grow over time than their peers who aren’t directly invested in their businesses. 

As a mother, however, you don’t have to have financial ownership in your company to feel invested. I’m acutely aware that the time I spend at work is time I spend away from my family and that gives a whole new meaning to having “skin in the game.” 

Professional commitments often come with the hefty price tag of missing out on key moments of your child’s life, a sacrifice many working parents don’t take lightly.

I recently went on a roadshow to raise my startup’s pre-seed funding. Too often, mothers are penalized through pay or promotion for having priorities that compete with work. However, I was surprised to learn how many investors understood the level of sacrifice I was making as a mother and a CEO and were more willing to invest in my startup because of it. They recognized the high level of commitment I had to my company as a mother and were willing to bet that I would see it through to success. 

Representation has ripple effects 

Becoming a mother has also helped me face imposter syndrome, dead on. As a woman of color leading a startup in the fintech industry, I now give myself permission to take up more space because that’s what I would want my own daughters to do. 

I’ve also become less afraid of failure and more willing to go against the grain to fix broken systems because I’m not just thinking of the barriers they pose to myself, I’m thinking about how they will impact the next generation, who I am raising. 

Breaking down gender barriers has also been proven to benefit business. One study by the Peterson Institute for International Economics showed that companies with women in leadership positions consistently report larger profit margins than companies without women executives or directors. 

For my daughters, seeing me prioritize my career has also provided them with access to a world I never had visibility into as a kid. Recently, after I came home from a work trip, the very first question my six- and eight-year-olds asked was, “Mommy did you win your investor pitch?” 

Their business vocabulary alone is more advanced than mine ever was at their age, and I’ve seen how the modeling of my commitment to my career is having a ripple effect on how they see their place in the world. 

Let me be clear: There is no right or wrong way to be a mother—every variation of the role comes with a trade-off, but it also comes with sharpened skills, personal growth, and evolution. It’s time we recognize how expansive the role of a mother is and be more supportive of the value it brings both in and outside of the workplace. 

Yvette Wu is the cofounder and CEO of Yield Exchange, an investment marketplace for wholesale GICs.