Look, I just came here for the coffee. Really.

I don’t know what’s going on at Dunkin’. It’s Halloween, a time when even the most innocuous professions can get a little bit sexy. But I never counted “donut making” among them. Yet, it seems the company has gone on a sugary thirst rampage across social media, with a new donut that appears to be just minutes from opening the world’s most caloric OnlyFans account. 

As a special seasonal offering, Dunkin’s Spider Specialty Donut is back. And for anyone who doesn’t know what that is—it’s a chocolate Munchkin donut hole that’s been shoved into a full donut’s hole. A few drizzles (ugh, I need to sterilize my eyes) of chocolate icing turn the donut hole into a spider that sits on a purple glaze (fml) nodding to Grimace-mania without IP infringement. 

Frankly, the Spider Specialty Donut is an unnerving premise of a donut all on its own. But across social media, it’s come to life like a freaky Frankenstein of foodstuffs, another entry in the new marketing category of “DGAF branding” like Nutter Butter or Pop-Tarts.

I feel like not enough people are aware of how unhinged dunkin’s latest ad campaign is pic.twitter.com/RwmQLlSnJd

— Nerd Girl Says (@Rachael_Conrad) October 24, 2024

In a cry for attention, the Spider Specialty Donut is pulling out all the stops.

“ive got the long legs and all I need is the dadddddy”

“💦 Tryna find me a water spout fr 💦”

“Ya girl said im not so itsy bitsy”

Once you come up for air, you may find yourself, umm, well, confused. “What is the gender and sexual identity of this donut? Of . . . any donut,” you may be asking yourself. Generally, the answer would be, “Mind your own damn business! A fast-food breakfast item can love whomever it wants to love.” But given the strange conflation of this monstrosity’s orifices and implements, cross-referenced with its—pardon me for saying—disorganized and scattershot attempts at boinking the general populace . . . I simply don’t follow. Does this donut really want to eff me? (Can this donut really eff me?)

Upon further thought now, I suppose the sexual identity of a bread product would technically be pansexual. A Happy Halloween to us all.