Abuse comes in many forms when you are dealing with a narcissist. They do it in interpersonal romantic relationships, familial relationships, or, one of the hardest to navigate, in the work environment. Why is this the hardest? Because it is harder to remove yourself from your work environment when you rely on that paycheck to meet all of your basic needs.  

What does it look like in the work environment? You may have a boss who asks you to take the lead on a project and it is a big project, but you accept the challenge. There is a coworker who you tend to bump heads with who goes to your boss and tells your boss that they are questioning your ability to get the job done. They create a manipulative and defaming narrative about you hidden in “good intentions.” They may say, “I really didn’t want to bring this up, but I feel worried. They are going through a divorce and may not be able to handle what this project entails.” They use this triangulation tactic to play with the optics that their intentions are to help the organization, but they are really trying to sabotage your work.  

You’re pretty well angered when your boss reassigns you to a supportive role, giving your coworker the lead. You feel even more confused when they pull you aside, saying, “We’re all concerned about you. Just let me know if you have more work than you can handle, and we’ll find a solution.” They spin the perception to make you look like you are “not well” to serve themselves.

These scenarios are very common and can be handled, but with care. It is important to explain the truth to your boss and the people working around you so that they understand your abilities, but it is sometimes also wise to move away from toxic people like this in the workplace, as a matter of practice, if at all possible.  

How to handle it:

1. Recognize it

Learning the characteristics of narcissists is paramount to coping with them, managing them, and healing from them. Most of the work in managing these toxic relationships, whether at work or at home, comes from getting educated on how they operate. You become less inclined to blame yourself or get caught up in the vortex or their games when you can see their tactics. You can also share with a trusted friend, colleague, or therapist what you are witnessing so you can chronicle it and look for patterns that you need to protect yourself from in the future.

2. Accept it

Coming to terms with the reality that people are behaving in unhealthy and maladaptive ways can be hard to do for someone with a neurotypical brain. You oftentimes have to unhand logic when dealing with someone with a pathological disorder whose only efforts are to create chaos wherever they go. This realization takes time and understanding but will go a long way toward developing a path forward in executing projects at work while limiting opportunities for triangulation and disarray.

3. Consider Addressing It

Be advised that this is not always the best approach. You will have to gauge whether this may backfire. Setting a boundary with a truly pathological person will most often have them become privy to the very thing they will exploit. In other words, if you let them know what they should cease doing, it can sometimes be a guarantee that the very thing you are asking them NOT to do will happen more frequently. On the flip side, if you think that they may become nervous about being exposed as the problem in the organization, then do it, but tread carefully. It is a “cat and mouse” game for them so this may give them reason to work even harder to get under your skin to get more attention from you and others, even if it is bad attention.  

4. Talk to Trusted Colleagues

If you think there is a smear campaign going on or the narcissist is busy trying to defame you to other coworkers, consider sharing what you are experiencing with the people you believe are seeing the same thing or may be able to understand what you are enduring. This may go a long way toward keeping your reputation intact.  

5. Don’t React

When playing the “cat and mouse” game with a narcissist, it is almost always the best to “play dead.” It is a game that you cannot avoid, but we can use ways to get them to back off, and this includes not playing into it at all. They ultimately find someone else to toy with (unfortunately for that person). Meeting triangulation with silence is almost always the best approach. It is called a negative reinforcer in psychology when you ignore bad behaviors, and a positive reinforcer when you celebrate positive behaviors—and it works, eerily similarly, with small children. Ignore the bad behavior and celebrate the good. The narcissist is often compared to a small child in their behaviors so treating them as such is a good fail safe

6. Practice Harm Reduction

Leave situations where you find yourself alone with them. Finding supportive coworkers, avoiding sharing personal information, and ignoring when they try to bait you will go a long way when dealing with the narcissist at work.  

7. Consider Work Options

If work becomes so problematic that you can no longer deal with the environment because you find your health or ability to function becoming severely impaired, you may have to look at alternatives. This is the sad reality for many people, but it will not harm you in any way to have your résumé updated and have other options, just in case.  

8. Tell a Therapist

I may be biased here, but finding a narcissist-savvy therapist can be one of the most validating experiences of your life. They will understand what you are dealing with and can help you develop ways to handle the situation that are unique and helpful in a variety of different ways. 

There are few things more challenging than dealing with a narcissistic boss or coworker because your livelihood may depend on that relationship. Don’t get me wrong, to coparent is the hardest, but this is a close second. If you have to work with someone who is pathologically disordered, you will be forced into learning how to play the role of someone who takes the high road when you may be feeling like you want to scream. Your buttons will be pushed in environments that are designed to feel tight and inappropriate for the response that they really deserve, which is far less professional, to put it mildly. Lean on people for support. You will need to. This experience is not for the weak, but you will learn a valuable skill: how to manage toxic people and come out on top!

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Adapted from Narcissistic Abuse: A Therapist’s Guide to Identifying, Escaping, and Healing From Toxic and Manipulative People ©2024 Vanessa M. Reiser and reprinted by permission from Grand Central Publishing/Hachette Book Group.