23 things we learned about Donald Trump during the RNC’s final night

The final night of the Republican National Convention ended with fireworks and an opera singer, a fitting conclusion for this Orwellian libretto.

The number of things one would have to have seen over the last four years and not believe, in order to believe what was said during the last four days, is astronomic. Each speaker at the RNC conveyed an image of an America where up is down, black is white, and dogs are cats. In this mirage, every aspect of American society was historically perfect until February of 2020, when some stuff happened—no way to tell what, exactly—giving a preview of the chaotic country Donald Trump’s opponent would run into the ground.

The president is not responsible for our dire coronavirus response, or its impact on the economy, nor is he responsible for any of the fallout from the racial uprising in response to George Floyd’s killing by police over the summer. Although the speakers constantly decried the destruction and violence from the radical left during that uprising (which took place during Trump’s term, mind you), not one of them mentioned the many members of right-wing terrorist groups such as the Boogaloo Boys who have been arrested for violent crimes.

The entire spectacle culminated in a speech from the Big Man himself, at the White House, before a mostly unmasked, unsocial-distanced crowd of a thousand, flanked by enormous “TRUMP PENCE 2020” banners, despite his previous turn as a watchdog for President Obama possibly (gasp) using the office of the president to campaign for reelection.

Of course, even though much of this convention was a total farce, whose core message is that Donald Trump alone can save America from the current president, the proceedings also included some rather enlightening moments.

Here are 23 things we learned about Donald Trump on the final night of the RNC.

1. In private, Donald Trump is a warm, empathetic soul with hidden depths, who works hard and cares a lot about all Americans.

Everyone from Ja’ron Smith, deputy assistant to the president, to Senator Mitch McConnell vouched for the content of Donald Trump’s character last night. As it turns out, everything that observers have witnessed over the past four years, from Trump’s toxic Fox & Friends phone calls, antagonistic helicopter-side press briefings, sprawling speeches, and utterly unhinged tweets, not to mention his divisive policies and spiteful efforts at undoing every Obama initiative possible—it was all a facade. Forget about it, and instead trust Senator Tom Cotton over your lying eyes and ears. But don’t count out the tiny chance that what Donald Trump has shown Ja’ron Smith privately is the lie and what he’s shown the rest of the world for the past four years (and 70 before that) is what’s really in his heart.

2. President Trump may be the only president in modern times who has actually done everything he said he would do during his campaign.

Ultimate Fighting Championship president Dana White said as much, despite PolitiFact tracking 100 of Trump’s campaign promises and declaring a full half of them broken.

3. In Palm Beach, Florida, Donald Trump led the crusade to allow Blacks and Jews into private clubs and resorts.

Ben Carson touted Trump’s opening of Mar-a-Lago as a private club in 1995, in which he went against the grain of other local clubs and offered access to all who could pay the bill. However, this wise business move in a then-changing society doesn’t quite negate the discriminatory practices the Justice Department once investigated Trump and his father over.

4. Donald Trump has ushered America into an age of energy independence.

Representative Kevin McCarthy joined Trump himself in touting this idea, even though, in 2019, almost half the oil the United States consumed was imported.

5. Donald Trump “unleashed a Marshall Plan for Main Street.”

I remain unsure of exactly what Kevin McCarthy meant by this, but assuming he’s referring to the PPP loan program, this Marshall Plan will not be as successful as rebuilding Germany after World War II, given how many small businesses are going under while a handful of billionaires have seen their net worth swell by a collective trillion.

6. Donald Trump is a warrior against human trafficking.

Utah attorney general Sean Reyes said as much, without getting into specifics beyond the president directing “hundreds of millions of dollars for raising awareness, liberating victims, prosecuting predators, and empowering survivors.” Nobody will be more glad to hear this than the QAnon faithful.

7. Donald Trump once gave a man a pen to give to his father.

Reyes also spoke of his recently deceased father, who took some comfort toward the end from a pen Trump gave to Reyes to give to him. “Dad loved that pen,” Reyes added.

8. Trump is now by a mile the more pro-free-speech candidate

Despite his spending a lot of time equating all peaceful protesters with looters and rioters, when he’s not forcibly removing those protesters for a photo op, a fictitious former Bernie Sanders fan declared Trump the foremost champion of free speech.

9. He brought back those three words “made in America.”

Business owner Debbie Flood made this announcement, apparently unaware that Trump’s hats are made in China and that he promoted a boycott of American manufacturer Goodyear just last week.

10. Donald Trump doesn’t dabble in identity politics.

According to Ben Carson, “Many on the other side love to incite division by claiming Donald Trump is a racist, but that couldn’t be further from the truth!” I would encourage Ben Carson to try a little harder, and he just might find something further from the truth than the idea that Trump’s well-documented racism is causing division, rather than Democrats pointing that out.

11. If Donald Trump had been president in 2015, ISIS wouldn’t have killed one specific humanitarian worker.

Kayla Mueller was abducted by ISIS, and, in 2015, she was declared dead. According to her parents’ appearance at the RNC, Donald Trump would have prevented this outcome.

12. While Donald Trump’s communication style is not to everyone’s taste, and his tweets can sound a little unfiltered, the results speak for themselves.

Ivanka Trump has a point here. The over 180,000 Americans who have died from coronavirus—and the millions the disease has left unemployed—do speak for themselves.

13. Donald Trump has a deep compassion for those that have been treated unfairly.

A surprising discovery from Ivanka Trump. The millions of people who have recently lost their jobs through no fault of their own and been cut off from receiving crucial payments from the government might not have suspected as much.

14. Donald Trump put a toy White House replica on the Oval Office mantelpiece to show visiting dignitaries what the greatest grandchildren in the world can achieve.

Another revelation from Ivanka, although one that appears to be made up entirely.

15. Politicians pleaded with Donald Trump to let China rob America blind.

If there’s one thing we know about Donald Trump by now, it’s that if he says something it’s probably true, so this Trump claim must be true as well.

16. The wall will soon be complete, thanks to Donald Trump, and it has worked better than our wildest expectations.

The border wall will not be completed soon, and according to The New York Times, migrants have used power tools to cut through it and ladders to climb over it.

17. Donald Trump took bold action to issue a travel ban on China, very early, while Joe Biden called this move hysterical and xenophobic.

It was only during the third wave of nations to put a travel ban on China in place that Trump acted, in January, and Joe Biden did not quite say that.

18. Donald Trump introduced a ban on Europe very early.

He did it in mid-March, two weeks after calling the novel coronavirus the Democrats’ “new hoax.”

19. Donald Trump “did” criminal justice reform.

During his speech, Trump talked about criminal justice reform, an important and timely issue he may not quite understand, as though it was something he accomplished by getting Alice Johnson out of jail at the behest of Kim Kardashian and trying to free A$AP Rocky, also at the behest of Kim Kardashian.

20. Donald Trump has done more for the African American community than any president since Abraham Lincoln.

Although Trump made this claim “very modestly,” he might want to take it up with President Lyndon Baines Johnson, who passed the Voting Rights Act and the Fair Housing Act, along with the Civil Rights Act. Also, the fact that Trump talks about Black Lives Matter like it’s a terrorist organization and seems to relish belittling Black women such as Maxine Waters (a “low-IQ individual”) who criticize him.

21. Donald Trump ended the unfair and very costly Paris climate accord.

Everyone knows Trump pulled out of the pact, which unites just about every other nation on earth in an effort to combat global climate change, but tonight we learned that the pact apparently ended once Trump pulled out.

22. Donald Trump hates cancel culture.

Again, he boycotted Goodyear just. last. week.

23. Trump believes airports existed during the American Revolution.