4 ways to say NO when you absolutely have no bandwidth left
Not surprisingly, saying “yes” all the time makes you feel stressed out and allows others to value your time even less. If you say “yes” often enough, people will come to expect it which becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Don’t get me wrong, there is a lot to be said for the power of yes. It invokes energy, trust, and creativity. It feels good to say yes. For the most part, we all want to be helpful and accommodating but it can also lead to a lot of stress and consternation, and lack of productivity.
When I use the word “no” in this context, I’m not talking about negativity. That is a completely different topic. Negativity is a chronic attitude. It is, as Dr. Judith Sills explained in an article in Psychology Today, “a pair of emotional glasses through which some people get a cloudy view of the world.” By contrast, “no” is just a decision in time.
All of us have gotten to a breaking point and have needed to put our foot down. Some actually do, but some just can’t or won’t say “no” even when they know it needs to be done.
If you’re reluctant, here are some practical ways you can say “no.”
Do it quickly
Once you realize that saying “yes” isn’t the wisest course of action, politely decline right away. Don’t say “I need to check my schedule,” or promise to get back to them. This will be interpreted as a “soft yes” and they will begin to make plans. If you know you can’t or suspect it, inform them that you have a conflict. Your conflict doesn’t necessarily need to be your schedule. It may be a competing priority or commitment.
Be honest
Don’t feel like you need to make excuses. Be honest and explain you have other commitments and can’t do it. Be aware that people and organizations use guilt and manipulation to get people to do things. Understand this and take the initiative by letting them know that you appreciate their confidence in you but that you are stretched too thin and aren’t in a position to offer them your best effort.
Offer an alternative
Sometimes we really want to help but the timing is just off. Let them know that you are willing and suggest an alternate time or date. If it isn’t going to be timely, suggest someone else who might be able to help them.
Stand your ground
If someone doesn’t accept your “no,” politely stand your ground and be firm. If they still won’t accept your answer, then that person probably doesn’t respect you or your time and needs. Sometimes you have to be selfish. Perhaps we can gain some insight from Warren Buffet who said, “the difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say ‘no’ to almost everything.”
It can be very helpful for you to establish some personal boundaries to enable you to know when to say “no” and when to say “yes.”
Here are a few questions you might ask yourself:
Using these questions and others that you develop as a filter will help you to come to a logical conclusion whether you should agree to what is being asked or to politely pass.
Many of us say “yes” because of FOMO (fear of missing out). We are worried that we might miss out on an opportunity, an exciting event, or some other thing that we think might be important. This might be the case but we can’t attend every event or take part in every opportunity. We have to prioritize so that our productivity (and sanity) doesn’t suffer.
Saying “no” might feel weird or awkward at first but just like everything else in life, it becomes easier and less unfamiliar and awkward with practice. Often we don’t do something because of fear. Many people are simply afraid to say “no.” Once you overcome this fear (through diligent practice), you will be surprised how much easier it becomes and how much more productive and personally powerful you can be.
Chris Miltimore is a successful entrepreneur with businesses in distribution, sales and marketing, and landscape management. He also runs Shopkeepers Insight.
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