A handy coffee guide for Sean Hannity fans who have smashed their Keurig machines

Good afternoon to all 12 people whose interests on a Venn diagram overlap with both “Sean Hannity” and “Fast Company.” I hear you’re angry that Keurig has pulled its advertising from Sean Hannity’s Fox News show over the host’s defense of alleged child molester Roy Moore. Some of you have taken to the internet to show your rage by smashing your Keurig machines and posting videos. But now you’re faced with a quandary: How are you going to enjoy your beloved morning java?

I’m here to help. First, it’s important to note that Keurig makes bad coffee. It’s perhaps even good that you’re shunning it. Also (and this may not be something you really care about), Keurig pods are pretty bad for the environment. Not only that, but making coffee without pods is much cheaper than buying those dumb pods.

So here’s a quick rundown of different ways you can make coffee while sticking it to the left-wing conspiracy that is Keurig’s ad sales teams:

  • If you want just one cup of coffee, pour-over is probably perfect for you. You can buy a cheap setup–be it a Melitta, a Chemex, or a Kalita–along with some filters. All said, this will only set you back a few bucks. Then buy yourself some coffee, grind it, and then spend three minutes pouring hot water over the beans using the new manual device. That’s it. You’re now making better coffee!
  • If you want to make really good coffee, I recommend buying a Kalita Wave and using a gooseneck water kettle. But believe you me: using any pour-over rig will taste worlds better than any of the dreck that comes from a pod. If you want to get really fancy, buy yourself a nice burr grinder (this is honestly the most important part of making good coffee). But if that’s a bridge too far and you just want cheap, easy coffee, buy it pre-ground; despite it not being fresh, pre-ground coffee will still be much better than whatever came out of that machines you just smashed.
  • You can also buy an automatic drip machine, if you want to make more than one cup. Although, cheap Mr Coffee coffee can sometimes border on the flavor profile of Keurig. But, then again, you bought the Keurig to begin with so maybe taste isn’t your primary concern.

Whatever the case, this could be the beginning of a brand-new world for the far-right. Now that you’ve broken free of the Keurig shackles, you can experience life in a different realm. One where the drink tastes good. Welcome to The Resistance.

 

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