E.T. The Egg-stra Terrestrial

Tad Friend profiled Egg in The New Yorker, and if you’re interested in tech, venture capital, or the roots of the upcoming second dotcom crash and ensuing proletarian revolution it’s worth a read. The buried lede, though, is that Andreessen’s wife is a literal space alien. She calls him “my beloved [earth man],” describes her fondness for “ask[ing] him questions about [earth] things I got curious about during the day,” and says “I find it incredibly sexy to see the encasement of a cerebrum.” I swear I did not fabricate any part of that last quote. The couple has three microwaves so neither of them need to wait for their warm nutrient broth. About a16z, we learn that if someone gives you a billion and a half dollars to invest, you have to be a bigger idiot than Marc Andreessen not to make a profit.

Read This: Sady Doyle nailed down everything that’s wrong with the current cycle of dumb Marvel Comics movies on Medium. The problem is not Joss Whedon or comic books themselves, the problem is that Marvel’s whole strategy makes it impossible to produce good stories.

Our Dumb Politics: Bloomberg wants to plunge deep into your ScrumZone with a “parody sports-style game show” about the 2016 election, aka Hillary vs the Clown Bus. Sy Hersh, famous for believing anything anyone tells him (some of which, to be fair, turns out to be true), wrote a 10,000 word anonymously-sourced story about how Osama bin Laden was really killed, for The London Review of Terrorist Assassinations. Is it true? Who knows! Just read the aggregated highlights and move on with your life, because this will never matter in any real way to any of us.

The dadbod trend reached its predictable nadir with ironic faux-mansplaining that is, in fact, actual non-faux mansplaining. Also today in body horror. Did you know there’s still a line for cronuts every day? This weekend’s example of how a NYT profile can make anyone seem like an asshole, even someone who (by all accounts) genuinely isn’t one: Tim Gunn wears a suit, looks at art, has an Emmy in his kitchen. Dystopian Spanish company Grupo Sicnova replaced a flesh village with a tiny, plastic village and threatened wider deployment of its nightmarish Clonescan 3D machine if the nations of the world do not pay handsomely. Olivia Taters is in Twitter jail. Free Olivia! Hashtag #CanILiv?

Every time something awful happens in America (i.e. every time something happens America) I daydream briefly about escaping to Canada, where the citizens, the healthcare, and the ice cubes are all free and equal. Today intern Karen Ho crushes my Northern dreams:

TODAY’S INTERN TAB, by KAREN HO

Recently, the super smart Desmond Cole hit everyone in the face with a brutally honest, accurate account of what it’s like to be a black person in Toronto. He explains exactly how a place everyone thinks is the model for diversity actually singles out and fails its black residents on a daily basis. In VICE, Eternity Martis also chronicled how four years in university town London, Ontario, subjected her to racist taunts, harassment, white pride marches, and the constant, uneasy feeling of how frequently the Black community was vulnerable to hate crimes on and off campus.

Cole’s eloquence about the accumulation of indignities, from being thrown out at bars for no apparent reason to his family being pulled aside by cops for a tissue thrown out the window, is striking for how much it has in common with the experience of blacks living in America. There is no shortage of stories that illustrate how physical appearance, elite education or even possession of A-list celebrity status does not exempt you from this prejudicial treatment. Chris Rock is tired, Levar Burton is tired and no amount of literacy is going to bring back all the dead or unfairly incarcerated black men in the United States. Now Canadians know how some of their largest cities are also punishing people for the colour of their skin.

But at least we have this perfect moment of Cole reacting to a former mayoral candidate asking why his behaviour is considered racist:

Way to go Canada. Way to go.

Stupid Tech Tricks: Run Windows 95 in a browser

Gaming as a Service: Deck of Cards API, Roll.space

Today’s Song: A$AP Rocky feat. Rod Stewart x Miguel x Mark Ronson, “Everyday“

~”When I close a tab,” Humpty Dumpty said, in rather a scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean–neither more nor less.”~

Today in Tabs has a full slate of guest-posters coming up the rest of this week, because I’ll be in NYC and I like taking time off. They will be on Fast Company and in your email, you need do nothing to ensure a continued flow of uninterrupted tabs. Offer void where prohibited.