How to get better at setting boundaries

When was the last time you declined a coworker’s request for help because you were too busy? What about your boss? If you struggle to set boundaries, you’re not alone. More than half of Americans report they often feel that they can’t say “no” when someone asks for something, according to a recent yougov.com poll. 

“No” may be a short word, but it can be hard to say because we don’t have good role models, says Stella Grizont, author of The Work Happiness Method: Master the 8 Skills to Career Fulfillment.

“It can feel scary for many people, because you don’t know how the other person is going to react,” she says. “In a work context, you might even have power dynamics. There is a level of risk.”

Drawing a line can trigger your nervous system, adds Grizont. “From a young age, people find a sense of safety when everyone else around them feels okay,” she says. “As a result, many of us develop people-pleasing habits. It manifests with the feeling, ‘I can’t disappoint anyone. If someone’s disappointed, I’m not safe.’”

But the truth is that saying “no” to most requests isn’t a threat. Becoming good at setting boundaries means rewiring your brain and its previous conditioning. The first step is to understand what a boundary is.

“I define a boundary as an agreement that you have with yourself, so that you can be more of who you are and deal with others with more ease,” says Grizont. “It’s an agreement because there’s conflicting parts of yourself that have to come together towards a resolution.”

For example, you may want to be perceived as a high performer. You may also want family time at night. “The part that wants to be perceived as a high performer wants to answer emails at night, but the part that wants to be present with your kids doesn’t want to answer those emails,” says Grizont. “The boundary represents your consciously choosing what’s going to support you in being who you want to be.”

Get Clear On Your Priorities

Boundaries are less about saying “no,” and more about saying “yes” to what matters. To say “yes,” you first need a sense of clarity on what’s most important. What do you want to cultivate versus what you want to push away? Do you want to prioritize family or achievement at work?

“It’s less about being defensive,” says Grizont. “Instead of thinking, ‘I want to stop this person from emailing me late at night,’ it’s about maintaining your vision of who you want to be, and what’s going to support that.”

Start with Micro Doses

Once you know what’s important and understand that a boundary is an agreement with yourself, it’s time to practice. Grizont suggests starting with “micro doses,” and a good first step is delaying a “yes.”

“Most people who struggle with boundaries they are automatic ‘yes-ers,’” she says. “Will you join this committee? Yes. We want to show up for people, but that choice isn’t always serving our needs.”

Instead of feeling a need to respond to a request immediately, answer with, “Thanks for thinking of me. Can you give me a day to get back to you? I want to look at everything on my plate and make sure I can show up for you as my best self.”

“You’re not giving a ‘no,’” says Grizont. “You’re saying, give me some time. In that time, you can make a conscious choice instead of an automatic one. The other person will usually say, ‘Sure, no big deal.’ Then, your nervous system can start to get biofeedback that says, ‘Oh, I’m safe. This is OK to do.’”

Another way to micro-dose boundaries is to ask questions, says Grizont. For example, you can ask, “Tell me about this project. What’s driving this timing? Why do you think I’m a good match for this committee? Who else have you thought to ask to join this group?”

“This is another way to help you slow down and make a decision,” she says. “You might find when you ask questions that it’s actually not that important or urgent, or someone else could do it . It will slowly start to give you more courage and validation that your needs are important and can be respected.”

Borrow Confidence

Grizont says it helps to borrow confidence from someone else when it’s harder to set a boundary.

“Go to someone you have a good relationship with, such as a mentor or someone on your team,” she suggests. “Tell them what you’re struggling with and ask, ‘Can you help talk me through this?’ Or, ‘Can you back me up when we have this meeting?’ It can feel safer when you know someone is on your side.”

Modify Your Environment

Protecting boundaries can also mean systematizing processes and asking yourself, “Is there something I can change to protect my time and energy?” You may need to block out time on your calendar when you’re off limits for interruptions. Maybe you need to change your physical environment when doing focused work, such as moving to another room or wearing headphones.

“Scan your list of changes and find the easiest; the one that feels the most safe for you to do,” says Grizont. “Then, notice how it feels to implement your boundary. Start to gather feedback as you practice. When you work up to a situation that feels uncomfortable, remind yourself it doesn’t feel uncomfortable because it’s wrong. When you start to normalize the discomfort and normalize the practice and what you get, you learn the discomfort is helping you grow into the person you want to be.”

People who aren’t good at setting boundaries risk burnout, says Grizont. “If you consistently give yourself away, you won’t be able to show up with the energy you need,” she says. “You’ll end up disappointing others. And so, in an ironic twist, people pleasers long term ended up disappointing others and themselves.”

Boundaries are more for you than they are for others. “[Psychologist] Daryl Bem said that our behaviors tend to follow the conclusions we form about ourselves,” says Grizont. “If you remember, ‘I’m the kind of person who makes good choices about their wellbeing,’ it will remind you of who you are. Sometimes the boundary within is about what thoughts we allow ourselves to think.”