Self-care may be increasing your stress—here are 5 things to consider

The beginning of a new year is often incredibly stressful. Finishing projects, getting through holiday activities, and planning for what’s ahead may feel overwhelming. Too much pressure and not enough time to get it all done can create a sense of time poverty. And this year, the usual rigmarole is happening against a backdrop of layoffs and economic challenges.

As stress increases, calls for self-care do as well. What you need, according to some self-care narratives, is a lovely bath or a walk in the woods. With enough time for yourself, all will be well. But traditional definitions of self-care aren’t enough, and bath bombs alone won’t solve burnout. In fact, the call for self-care can create additional pressure and become a source of negativity.

Fortunately, there are alternatives. Here’s how you can redefine self-care so that it actually enhances your life:

Stressed-out nation

If you’re stressed out, you are not alone.

According to a study by Clarify Capital, 45% of people feel stressed, 36% feel scared or depressed, and 25% feel demotivated. And according to a study by Muse, between 38% and 44% of people feel overworked, burned out, unappreciated, lack satisfaction, or lack joy.

Younger generations are especially impacted by these negative feelings. Research by Cigna suggests that 84% of all employees are stressed, but among workers between the ages of 18 and 24, 91% are stressed, 98% are burned out, and 71% are more overwhelmed than usual.

Reinventing self-care

Unfortunately, self-care may not be the panacea that’s promised.

Self-care alone isn’t enough because it doesn’t help reduce the factors that cause stress. What’s more, some self-care advice can be its own source of stress when it requires you to add to your list of things to do. Now, while getting the end-of-the-year report done and buying gifts, you also need to take time for a massage.

The emphasis on self-care often can be tone deaf: failing to recognize the lack of control people have over their schedules. Some self-care narratives blame people who are busy. If you would just manage yourself better, the mantra goes, you wouldn’t be so stressed.

But life ebbs and flows. During some periods, you may have plenty of time for a lovely stroll through the park; yet, during other times, you just may need to buckle down and get things done in order to feel more in charge of your day. By realizing this, and by giving yourself permission to be busy during demanding times, you can actually address and reduce the pressures in your life.

Some may define self-care as time for yourself and appointments for pampering. But at its core, true self-care is considering what you need, what energizes you, and how you can expand your well-being physically, emotionally, and cognitively. Based on this definition, it’s possible to reimagine self-care with new considerations for how it can truly nurture, rather than detract from, your experience.

Here are several things to consider when defining what self-care means to you: 

Consider speeding up versus slowing down

One assumption about self-care is that it’s always about relaxing or slowing down. But it’s worth reflecting on what works best for you. As you’re planning your day, you might take five minutes to meditate in the morning, or you might realize that for you, activity is more helpful in rebuilding your capacities.

If more is best for you, self-care could include a quick walk between meetings or multitasking by ordering gifts online while watching TV. If your self-care includes action, don’t judge yourself. Instead, embrace your full schedule—fit everything into the crevices of the calendar. If you need to speed up, go for it.

Consider spending time with others versus alone

Self-care is often defined as time by yourself, and getting away can be a great way to feel centered again. But for some, stress may be best reduced by sharing time with others instead. Invite a colleague to help you solve a tough problem at work, or have a shopping trip with your daughter and your mom, or meet with your book group.

Whatever works best for you, be intentional about whom you spend time with. Research by The Harris Poll found that 57% of people say their social networks have become smaller but also more connected over the past couple of years. And 31% say they have learned whom they can count on and trust most. Interestingly, 33% of respondents realized they didn’t want to spend time with friends who didn’t add value to their life, and 48% dropped friendships that were no longer serving them. These are all healthy parts of true self-care: spending time with people you value, and reducing the time you invest with those who may sap your energy.

If being with others energizes you, then be selective about how you connect and with whom.

Consider saying Yes versus No

Another common assumption about self-care is that it’s usually best when you say No more often than Yes—to socializing, to volunteering, or to new opportunities at work. You’ll have more time for yourself if you say No—according to the prevailing wisdom.

But this too is an oversimplification. In fact, taking on new challenges and empowering yourself to do things that stretch your skills and provide the opportunity to build your network can be energizing. Extending outside of your comfort zone and learning new things is often linked with happiness.

So, if something sounds interesting, consider taking it on. Manage your time so you don’t overextend, but also reflect on which activities could actually provide self-care through new pursuits. 

Consider excellence versus perfection

Another way to redefine self-care is by recalibrating your standards and reducing perfectionism. Of course, you want to do your best and invest effort in things that matter, but perfectionism can undermine your well-being. Obsessing about making mistakes or holding yourself to impossibly high requirements can be damaging. A study featured in the journal Psychological Bulletin found that perfectionism has increased over recent years, and research from York St John University, in York, England, has found that when people are more perfectionistic, they tend to be more likely to experience depression, burnout, anxiety, and even death

Strive to be your best, not the best. Resist the urge to compare yourself with others, and know that your strengths aren’t the same as the strengths of others.

Be flexible in your standards. Sometimes, you may have time for perfectly healthy farm-to-table meals, and other times you may need to spin through the drive-through on the way to soccer practice. You may have some of the most creative ideas for a particular initiative at work—and you may need help on a project requiring a skill set you don’t possess.

Know that your capacity to meet the demands of work and life will shift. Be patient with yourself and with others.

Consider investing in high-quality experiences versus things

Some companies try to sell products under the guise of self-care. However, research has demonstrated that people are happier when they spend money on experiences rather than things, and that people have a greater sense of joy when they invest time in others rather than only themselves. 

Plus, when people spend time on things they enjoy, they perceive that they have more time overall.

Still, there may never be enough time to do all that you want. There will always be another fun activity to enjoy, vacation to plan, or opportunity at work. But by realizing you can’t do everything, you can be more present and focused on what you choose to spend time on.

Enjoy your staycation, take pleasure in the weekend away, and appreciate the job you’re in now, rather than always pining for the next big thing. Reduce your bucket list. And when you make choices to spend time with your people or on certain activities, put away your device, reduce distractions, and be fully present.

True self-care empowers you to reflect on how you spend your time and where you get your energy—and to make the choices that work best for you. You can find the right amount of stretch, and build your capabilities to respond—so you can enjoy this season for its busyness and all the next periods that will ebb and flow.