Strictly Come Dancing is Ruined, X Factor is Dead… Reality TV Has Been Hoist By its Own Cynicism

Apparently, we were all supposed to rejoice that dear old Anton had made it through to the final for the first time in 11 years (despite the fact that he has been a disastrous teacher for poor Katie who, thanks to Anton’s lack of expertise, has never mastered Latin).

Believe me, Strictly producers, there was very little rejoicing at Pearson Towers. I was was too busy crocheting a Len Goodman voodoo doll.

Tess Daly (left) with the bottom couple Anita Rani and Gleb Savchenko during the results show.

Anyway, as the four judges have subjected Anita’s performances to such forensic nit-picking, let’s turn the tables on them and examine the logic which saw Katie – probably the weakest dancer ever to make the Strictly final – chosen over the infinitely more talented and versatile Anita. Here goes:

* Katie and Anton’s Charleston on Saturday night was embarrassingly lame for this stage in the competition. Craig gave it a crushing four. No one who scores a four in the semis should be put through to the final. Period.

Katie Derham and Anton du Beke.

* Katie and Anton’s waltz was child’s play compared to the fiendish routines Gleb had choreographed for Anita. Yet, Katie still made several mistakes. There was so much dry ice swirling around her feet – how convenient! – that it was hard to observe the footwork. Katie actually apologised to Anton for making a mess of it, yet Darcy still gave it a nine.

NINE! That was the same mark Darcy awarded to Jay and Aliona’s fantastic Charleston. The two performances were not in the same artistic universe, dahhhhhling. The charitable explanation is that Darce reached for her “number six” paddle and got the number the wrong way up. The uncharitable explanation is that a) she is a ditz with poor judgment, or b) she’d been leaned on.

* Len Goodman complained that Anita and Gleb’s delightful foxtrot was too much like an American Smooth. Exactly the same could be said about Kellie and Kevin’s Viennese Waltz the previous week, which contained two illegal lifts and almost no Viennese Waltz. Yet that dance got rave reviews and four nines.

* In a series which has had few truly memorable dances (Jay and Aliona’s Pulp Fiction jive apart), Anita and Gleb’s paso doble in Blackpool was utterly thrilling and not just because Gleb got his top off. Honest. Karen Hardy on It Takes Two called it “the best paso ever on Strictly”. It should have got three 10s, but once again the couple were shamefully undermarked.

Anita and Gleb salsa in the live show.

Len has had it in for Gleb and his modern choreograpy from the start. After the dance-off, as he saved Katie and Anton, Len said: “It wasn’t even close.” Oof! Such a mean remark, not to mention graceless and rude. Len, I noticed, was unwilling to meet Anita’s eye. Ditto Darcy, whose body language – hands covering her face – made her look ashamed. As well you might be, Ms Bussell.

* By overmarking Kellie and Kevin, and undermarking Anita and Gleb, the judges made sure that the unpopular and strangely irritating Kellie, who squeals like a cat with a Roman candle up its derriere, was safe while the People’s Choice was dumped.

* OK, I admit it was a mistake for Gleb to reprise that bonkers, gymnastic salsa for the dance-off – guaranteed to raise Len’s hackles – but the fact remains that Anita could have done Katie’s waltz in her sleep. Katie couldn’t do Anita’s dance in a million years.

Get a grip, woman, I hear you cry – it’s just a TV show. Well, yes, but Strictly is rather more than that, isn’t it? It’s a BBC institution loved and trusted by millions of viewers.

We almost expect that bombastic behemoth, The X Factor, to be a stitch-up. Louisa Johnson, the 17-year-old belter who triumphed on Sunday night, might as well have had “winner” tattoed on her forehead three months ago. A Bob Dylan song was picked for the final that was so unsuitable for Johnson’s rivals, Reggie ‘N’ Bollie, it basically guaranteed her victory. Simon Cowell wasn’t going to take any chances with his golden goose.

Winner Louisa Johnson as the results are announced in the X Factor live final.  Photo: ITV

Reality TV is being hoist by its own cynicism. One reason that the present series of The Apprentice is such a snooze is that the contestants have grown wise to the producers’ manipulation. They spend half their time during a task figuring out how their allotted role will play in the boardroom rather than making complete fools of themselves, as in the good old days.

The Apprentice contestants.  Photo: PA

Naively, perhaps, we believed that Strictly never stooped to conquer. Ironically, Anita Rani had the perfect TV “narrative”, much better than getting Anton into the final. The Countryfile presenter began as a complete novice, but thanks to enormous guts and a reckless willingness to be thrown every which way but up, her progress was nothing short of astonishing.

As Marianka Swain, reviewer for Dance Today, wrote: “Disappointing to see three dancers (Jay, Kellie, Georgia) going straight through who all came into the competition with copious dance/performance experience. Strictly’s wonderful message is that anyone can learn to dance – that’s getting more and more muffled when the improvers are slayed by an ever-larger crop of ringers.”

Thanks to the judges, the Strictly final is now ruined. Katie and Anton will be out of their depth and swiftly eliminated, unless, that is, the producers can arrange to have dry ice up to the neck.

Most unforgivably, we will never get to see Anita and Gleb’s show dance, which was a consummation devoutly to be wished. Would Gleb really have been able to do the Argentine tango wearing just a fake moustache, a G-string and that Errol Flynn grin? Alas, we will never know.

“The audience always had our back,” a tearful Anita said on It Takes Two. Yes, we did, honey. It was the judges who stabbed you in the front.

It’s Len Goodman who should be sent home, not Anita Rani, and maybe it’s time to give Darcy’s seat back to the fantastic Arlene Phillips, who can tell the difference between a nine and a six. BBC viewers have been badly let down by our favourite show.

The glitterball is tarnished by disillusion. Disappointment doesn’t really cover it. Dis-aar-ss-tah, darling.