The aging parent money talk: exactly what to say (and when)

Asking your parents about their finances can feel nearly as invasive as asking about their sex lives. It’s private, none of your business, and not something we discuss in this family!

But as your parents age, money won’t necessarily stay private and it can very much become your business, whether Mom and Dad want it to or not. As of 2021, the average annual cost of a private room in a nursing home was over $108,000 , and paying out-of-pocket is the primary way families pay for nursing home care.

No matter how uncomfortable the conversations may be, it’s vital for adult children to talk to their parents about money. This will help the whole family prepare for any major financial issues that crop up as their parents transition into retirement and beyond.

If the very idea of asking your folks about their finances makes you break into a cold sweat, here are some ways to broach the subject.

Avoid the Role Reversal

Part of what makes money conversations so difficult is that it puts the adult children in the position of authority. Just as you hated feeling like you had to account for all your decisions when you still lived under your parents’ roof, your parents may resent being treated like fractious teenagers by someone whose diapers they used to change.

That’s why Cameron Huddleston, author of Mom and Dad, We Need to Talk, suggests opening up the conversation with a request for help.

“You can avoid the role reversal by asking for advice about your own finances,” Huddleston says. “You may already know the answer to your questions—but your parents’ answers can give you insight into their financial situation.”

If you ask for your parents’ help understanding how to navigate life insurance, retirement planning, estate planning, or the like, that will naturally create opportunities for your folks to talk about their own financial planning.

Use Anecdotes

Another excellent way to broach the difficult subject of your parents’ finances is to talk about someone you know in a similar situation. Everyone knows someone in their social circle who had to deal with a parent’s illness, death, or lack of financial planning.

Huddleston advises that you share that story with your parents as a jumping off point to discuss their finances.

“Tell your parents about how when your best friend’s father passed away, he didn’t have a will, and it was a nightmare,” she says. This is a natural way to segue into questions about where to find your parents’ will, if it is up-to-date, and if there is anything the family needs to know about it.

Waiting Is Your Biggest Mistake

It’s very easy to put off the financial planning conversation while Mom and Dad are still the vibrant and energetic parents you remember from your teen years. But Huddleston explains that the very best time for you to bring up the topic of money is while your parents are still healthy and relatively young.

“That is the biggest mistake that I made,” she admits. “I didn’t realize I needed to talk to my mom about her finances until she started showing signs of memory loss.”

Huddleston was in the unenviable position of having to play detective to figure out the details of her mother’s finances, because by the time she realized she needed that information, her mother was forgetting them.

This is why she recommends having financial conversations with your parents before you feel like you need them. “If you wait until there’s an emergency, then there is no plan for dealing with that emergency,” she says.

Create Sibling Consensus

Sibling relationships can put an additional layer of awkwardness on these conversations, but Huddleston advises coming to an agreement with your sibs before approaching Mom and Dad.

“This way, there’s not any resentment or suspicion down the road if your sibling learns you were talking to your parents about their will,” she explains.

Depending on your sibling relationships, having the pregame conversation might be just as difficult as the actual money talk with your parents. But Huddleston recommends trying to get all siblings on board, even if you don’t necessarily see eye-to-eye in most other situations.

“If you’ve got a sibling who’s going to sabotage things, you might not want to include them,” she says, “but just because you don’t get along with one of your siblings doesn’t mean you should try to keep them out of the conversation.”

Embrace the Awkward

Talking with your parents about their finances may feel weird and uncomfortable, but it will protect you from further stress, heartache, regret, and anxiety in the future. These conversations may even help you feel closer to your family.

“A lot of people are surprised to realize their parents have been wanting to have these conversations and didn’t know how bring it up themselves,” Huddleston says.

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Emily Guy Birken is a Milwaukee-based personal finance writer. Her books include The 5 Years Before You Retire, Choose Your Retirement, Making Social Security Work for You, and End Financial Stress Now.