We asked Chapo Trap House to fix capitalism. You’ll never look at your iPhone the same again

Wherever you fall on the political spectrum, Chapo Trap House likely does not approve.

Leftist luminaries Felix Biederman, Matt Christman, Amber A’Lee Frost, Will Menaker, and Virgil Texas—who began podcasting together in early 2016—are the ultimate equal opportunity offenders. They have nothing but contempt for conservatives and liberals–and probably many loyal listeners of their show. Members of the media? Do not dare get them started. Or wait, maybe do.

The reason Chapo has been so successful, holding down the Patreon throne with well over $100K in monthly contributions, is because the post-irony collective is wickedly entertaining. Each episode of Chapo Trap House skewers cows both sacred and not so much, with a nihilistic glee that feels appropriate for the end of the world. To be clear, if you subscribe to a political perspective an inch to the right of theirs, you will be mercilessly mocked. However, the quick-witted crew is so funny and convincing, steady listeners may not even notice their values and beliefs creeping ever closer toward Chapo level.

And now, indoctrination into the group’s addictive, toxic worldview has just gone mainstream with the release of its first book.

The Chapo Guide to Revolution fleshes out in print the bleak ideology and acid humor that has earned its authors such celebrity fans as Patton Oswalt and Tim Heidecker. (Now-former member Brendan James also worked on the book.) Because Chapo frequently lambasts the John Olivers and Sam Bees of the world, their first long-form work needed to dwarf their demonstrated podcasting command of off-the-cuff dick jokes and references in order to justify the bluster. It does. The book is a phosphorescent history lesson, jam-packed with throwaway jokes, and it’s a thorough origin story that explains how Chapo’s members became disenchanted with society as we know it. Beginning with a recap of world history (presented as jargon-laced corporate history) and closing with something that almost resembles a ray of hope, it’s a satirical anti-capitalist disasterpiece.

But could Chapo Trap House run society any more effectively if they were given the reins? Fast Company asked the group how they would handle some of the key issues facing late-stage capitalism.

Lyft is gaining on Uber. The underdog will finally achieve victory through:

A total ban on drivers interacting or talking with you in any way.

The way to save MoviePass is by:

Making it a weed delivery service–edibles, flower, oil, vapes–but also you still get to see movies for free.

The next digital media outlet to pivot to video will be:

The Federalist, and it will look like opening the Lament Configuration from the Hellraiser movies.

“Welcome to the Netflix team, superstar producer/creator _______. We’re looking forward to your slate of upcoming projects, which includes _______.”

Jordan Peterson presents: How to Train Your Chaos Dragon, Married to the Lobster, Jaundiced Eye for the Incel Guy, and The (Clean) Room (directed By Tommy Wiseau).

The way to make sure Amazon doesn’t ruin Twitch is to:

Put Felix and all of Chapo Team FYM in charge, and instead of banning racist and misogynistic teenage boys, make them pay to use swears and slurs.

Apple’s next iPhone will finally:

Suck you off  (S series Special Edition required to make you [bleep]).

McDonald’s has for too long ignored the brunch crowd. This ends now, with the company’s plan to:

Hire Stassi from Vanderpump Rules as brand ambassador.

The NFL has seen a sharp decline in viewership in recent years. Here’s how we’ll win everyone back: 

End AFC/NFC conferences, create Blues Lives Matter and Black Lives Matter conferences, Super Bowl to decide role of law enforcement in society for that year.

The music industry has fallen far from its turn-of-the-century heyday. But people will gladly start shelling out money for music again once:

Classic Rock finally makes a comeback and we start rock and rolling again. No “cRap” Music. No Country. No Disco.

Some are excited about the possibility of self-driving cars, but the auto industry is really going to be flipped on its head once:

They create cars like in the movie Cars that are anthropomorphized, voiced by celebrities, and feel pain and loss when they crash, kill someone, or are sent to junkyard. They also fuck and suck each other.

A nationalized Facebook will be different–and better–because:

Donald Trump is in charge and he will get the best people. Also, nudity allowed.