Why Positivity Is The Worst Response To a problem

In math, multiplying a bad by way of a favorable provides you a bad solution. Ever discover the identical factor happens in existence? When a coworker complains and also you attempt to inject something positive, the outcome is on a regular basis extra negativity.

“when we hear negativity, our intuition is to check out and cheer up the other individual,” says Peter Bregman, author of 4 Seconds: always You need to cease Counter-Productive Habits and Get the consequences you want. “but incessantly it’s the worst factor you can do.”

That’s as a result of being attentive to negative conversations makes us uncomfortable, and announcing one thing positive in response most effective serves as a way to make the listener feel better, no longer the one who is complaining. This reaction doesn’t assist the person who is venting for the reason that listener’s comments are perceived as being argumentative.

“you are basically disagreeing with the opposite person’s emotions,” says Bregman. “You’re announcing that they’re flawed; issues in point of fact aren’t that bad. This simply makes them entrench extra deeply of their standpoint.”

Combating negativity with positivity may make the complainer really feel like you haven’t heard them. The person will probably proceed with their rant, believing that they have to better provide an explanation for their emotions to you.

What does work is empathy, says Bregman: “The number-one rule in battle is ensuring the other individual feels heard,” he says. “while you believe part of what they’re announcing, you’re telling the person that you’re listening. more than wanting to be cheered up, they need somebody to renowned their viewpoint.”

Agreeing additionally allows the person to forestall maintaining so tightly to their place; it straight away softens them. If there isn’t some extent on which which you could agree, Bregman suggests the use of a remark corresponding to, “i can see that you’re struggling.” This helps because it acknowledges that you just’ve heard the other particular person’s feelings.

“you will visually see an individual calm down after they really feel heard,” says Bregman.

It’s at this level that they’ll be more open to entering a conversation. to turn issues from bad to certain, Bregman offers three imaginable techniques:

1. deal with The Smallest downside First

search for one piece of the individual’s grievance that might no longer be as bad as they suspect—the lesser of all of the “evils.” start through talking about that piece, and suggest some solutions which have labored for you should you assume they might be open to it.

2. Ask Them To Brainstorm solutions

which you could additionally transfer the dialog into the positive with the aid of taking note of the particular person and responding with, “I accept as true with you. What do you think can be the best way to unravel this?” This route acknowledges their emotions and strikes them from complaining mode to resolution mode, says Bregman.

three. discover a Distraction

If the dialog has no rapid resolution and revolves around venting and now not problem fixing, Bregman suggests acknowledging the particular person’s feelings and changing the subject. this system lets the opposite person understand you’re now not concerned about being attentive to their complaining.

Diffusing negativity with negativity can be troublesome, says Bregman: “being attentive to any person else be upset takes emotional braveness,” he says. “We don’t wish to really feel their damage, but if we’re willing to tolerate the preliminary pain as a substitute of falling again into our conventional ‘cheering up’ response, it may well create a so much shorter cycle of poor to positivity.”